Organic Half & Half

There is this special feeling that happens in the beginning of a relationship that comes from the newness of it all. Its that giddy anticipation one gets when they find themselves checking their email for the 77th time of the day hoping for one extra slice of information. I’ve been married to the most beautiful woman on earth for over 2 years and every moment continues to get richer and full of life. But the “out of this world” euphoria I am speaking of happens only in the beginning. Sure, I get glimpses of it today but not like in the beginning.

The heart makes you do stupid things. I would stay up every night until 3am on the phone. That is dumb. That is 5 hours past my bedtime. I need my sleep. I would write emails so long I had to put page numbers at the bottom. That is dumb. I have a busy job. I need my job. I started wearing tighter close BEFORE I lost all my weight. That is dumb. I had a very large belly that hung over my belt. I need my belly room. The beauty of love is found in the stupid. Because the silly ridiculous things we do are a tiny reflection of our heart truly wanting to sacrifice for another. The problem comes when we screw things up with fear, selfishness, and worry. And I’ve talked to plenty love birds out there lately who are caught up in the Game.

The Game. Oh the glorious Game. Many have been hurt by the Game and that’s why you see so many folks today walking around with The Great Wall of China around their heart and mind. It started off with “date as many people as you can at the same time and then pick the one that is right.” Then the pendulum swung hard right and we began to “Kiss Dating Goodbye”. This was one of my favorites. It’s just like those Christians to try and put a cute little bow on something to prevent us from getting hurt. All it truly did was create “Friendationships”. I’d like to take a break from our regular program to thank TLC for that wonderful word and how it’s helping to change lives all over the world. So now what you have are boys who “don’t date”. That is dumb. I’m so glad as an American Christian culture we’re proud of putting out sissy boys that are scared to man up. The radical Gospel calls for William Wallace type men, and we seem to be satisfied by someone more like Clay Aiken. All the while girls who are already crazy enough continue to get more crazy. Why? Because now there are thinking about 50,000 things instead of just 25,000. They hope and dream to be pursued and loved by a man and when it doesn’t come because of wimpy Jesus boy then they go and do something like picking the fruit from the tree. Girls try and take control and do what is not supposed to be done. That is dumb. It didn’t work for Eve and it won’t work for any girl out there. So follow the chain: Fear and selfishness make us want to take control and find a formula that works. Formulas create the Game. The Game is designed to create manipulation. Manipulation between 2 people brings frustration. Frustration leads to confusion and confusion makes us dumb. It makes us do what we aren’t supposed to do. Girls begin to pursue and boys walk around scared of their own shadows.

Rule #1. There are no formulas. If someone tells you, “As long as you do God’s will it will all work out,” then at that moment pick up your Kissed Dating Goodbye book and swing it as hard as you can towards their head. Everything about relationships deals with irrational. When you have irrational you can’t have formulas. But embrace this because the irrational stupid crazy things in love are what make it so beautiful. Sure it’s what also makes it scary. So stop looking for the easy. There is no formula to prevent you from getting hurt and there is not one to help you find love.

Rule #2. Manipulation is a wrong horrible thing. And we all do it. EVERYONE. I’ve spent nearly 3 decades mastering this skill set and could teach it at University as a 3 hour elective. Trust me when I say manipulation is everywhere. And the root of it is simple. In the wise words of Terrell Owens, “I love me some me.” Selfishness is what drives manipulation. Don’t ask yourself, “Do I manipulate in my relationships?” That is a stupid question. Ask yourself, “How and where do I manipulate?” And then write a list 100 long. You can’t control the other person but you can control what you do. And be prepared because if you’ll allow yourself to get honest you will scare yourself with how you manipulate. When you start to get disgusted by the way you manipulate then you know you’re on track and you will begin an incredible honest journey that will reveal to you how powerful and nasty pride truly is.

Rule #3. Allow yourself to feel. Enjoy the giddy moments. Soak those up. Sit and be still so you can enjoy the feeling that your heart may jump out of your chest. It’s in moments like these we get a glimpse of passion and real love. Guarding your heart has become a phrase people use so they don’t have to feel. Because sometimes feeling again sucks. We often think of guarding our hearts as a force field. It’s protecting us from everything on the outside so we won’t get hurt. But it should look more like an actual guard. Someone who stands at the gate and lets the Good come through and the Bad is not allowed. But that is the key. Letting things come and go. Sometimes we have been hurt so bad nothing is allowed in not even the Good.

I got up this morning and just had to write. I know it’s been awhile and I’ve told myself I hope to start writing once a week. I could probably write more right now but I’m wanting coffee. So I’m just going to stop. How do you like that abrupt ending. I never said I was a fancy writer. But I did throw some of my thoughts out there because I’m currently watching several starts to a relationship happen right now. My hopes are they enjoy it and not start playing the Game. We’ll see. So this goes out to all those out there looking for love. Girls: boys can suck. If they are being like Clay Aiken, then just laugh and walk away. Boys: be men. You do the pursuing. Be honest and up front. You have the ability in the relationship to prevent the Game from ever happening. Be the leader and take charge. If you want it to move slow, then make it move slow. But the man determines that.

Off to a wonderful cup of Fair Wage coffee…

SB

You know what else I love about the rain? It slows people down. Today it has poured once again and not only does it force people to drive slower but there is less activity outside. That was the case for me today as I lounged all day in tshirts and shorts, sipping on coffee, and fading in and out of a deep afternoon slumber. One of my top 50 things I love to do…sleep while its raining outside. As my world slowed down today I was forced to spend some time thinking. Thinking about the craziness of life right now and why I’ve been so worked up and stressed. In the midst of looking for answers a small little book spoke a lifetime of wisdom to my soul. The book is called The Best Question Ever by Andy Stanley and I heard about it through one of my lovely friends that I cherish in East Texas. She told me it was powerful, and only 50 pages into the red book, I knew she was right.

As I listened to the constant drum of the rain I couldn’t help but have many emotions fill my heart as I tried to process The Best Question Ever. Hurt and pain flooded fast as I recalled horrible decisions I have made. Frustration set in as I wish I had known about this many many years ago. And hope laid thick as I longed that I would learn to live by this truth from this day forward. All my life I have asked myself, “Is this right or wrong? Should I go this way or that way?” Rationalizing has become my expertise and digging myself out of hurt and pain has become a skill. This one simple question is better than all I’ve asked and if I truly allow myself to process it in every aspect of my life it could save me from all the regrets of where I’ve come from.

There is one thing we’ve all got in common. In small ways and in many gigantic ones we’ve screwed things up. I could write for 4 days, single space, in 8 point font on the many decisions I’ve made in my life that were idiotic and destroyed my heart, mind, emotions, and soul, and we’d arrive at my 17th birthday. We’d then have to spend another week as I typed into the wee hours of the night sharing gut wrenching stories of the people I’ve hurt with my words and actions during my adulthood. I share this because I pray for you the same thing I pray for myself. That I would find freedom from the many things that have destroyed me. My hope is that you’d go pick up this very short book and learn with me a way to look at our lives in a new fresh way. To ask ourselves a question that if processed right could bring us to a place of sweet renewal.

Now my only question is, will I be honest when I ask this question?

It’s been raining a lot lately. So much in fact I’ve decided to get a Home Depot credit card to buy all the supplies I need to build an arc. Right now they have this superb offer of 0 payments and 0 interest for 12 months. Flood or not that is a damn good offer. And so I return to writing. Don’t call it a come back but it has been awhile since I’ve added any of my measly little thoughts for the world to dissect. I’m looking out of the window on a very wet and rainy day and the last 6 months of my life speak to me in very clear terms. Life is not about waiting for the rain to stop…it’s about giving your umbrella the bird.

It seems lately that I’ve been coming out of a hazy whirlwind only to realize it is Thursday afternoon. No time for feelings or stopping to enjoy moments…simply full throttle and all systems go. There have been those mornings I’ve woken up and the first thought on my mind is the next project to accomplish and something inside of me tells me there is something off. I tuck those thoughts away as I drink my 2nd cup of amazing fair wage coffee and I pick up my sword as I storm off to battle the day ahead. It becomes Thursday afternoon again, I wonder where the week went and I eagerly get excited about a restful weekend that will involve no rest at all. So today I sit and wonder. Why do we do it? Why is it that we wait until something tragic happens in our lives before we come out of the haze and begin to dream of a simpler life with more relationships and true meaning. It seems to me only in those moments of disappoint, heartbreak, or death do we question what the hell it is we’re doing with our life. We then let 6 weeks go by before we begin our plan to acquire the HDTV that we so desperate need in our lives to survive. Anyone who has seen Planet Earth in HD knows this is no joking matter. And so the “rat race” continues. The marathon of people desperately trying to find meaning in work, people, and stuff. Do we continue the cycle of insanity because we do not know the answer or is it that we’ll never figure it out in the first place.

Funny how rain can ruin a day yet some of my greatest memories come from being in the rain. Like the time I was in high school and we played a 5 on 5 death match of mud football. I love how playing in a foot and a half of water makes the fastest of guys slow and the slowest of guys fast. We were drenched as our white shirts were a light coffee color and we still laugh today about how fun it was. Or the time I worshipped in Memphis with 80,000 people. Rain is suppose to ruin a day of white American Christians trying to get their Jesus on so thankfully I am only half and enjoyed the feeling of truly letting go. My senior road trip with 4 of my closest friends had a stop in Ashville, NC. I can still hear the sound of rain falling on the canopy of trees above as we hiked down to a boulder the size of a house. We stood on that rock and sang. We got wet and sang. Kisses in the rain, shampooing my hair in the cold Tennessee rain, sliding down the muddy mountains of the Na Pali coast in Kauai, throwing clumps of sludge, and smiling so big my mouth hurt as it monsooned on my wedding day. We never wish for it to rain on the days we’re hoping for sunny skies but when we choose to embrace it we find ourselves in a special place of making memories that only get sweeter as the years go on.

So as I’ve gotten 6 months older I’ve learned to give the umbrella the bird. Because it will always rain. And I can choose to tip toe through life and hope my hair doesn’t get wet or I can dance and laugh while I lather, rinse, and repeat. There is a weird peace in knowing that when I am stressed out about life that it’s just 1 more of 10,000 more that I will have. Hopefully this time I can make a memory I’ll be sharing 5 years from now. Truth sinks in today and my eyes are opened to the reality that rain is essential to growth. Chew on that awhile until its easier to swallow.

SB

“My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him.”

There are those days where everything about this world just beats the shit out of me. It can be so scary and there seems to be so many answers I want but instead of getting that I find more and more questions. And the unknown scares me. I hate not knowing. I hate not having control of what is to come or what will happen. It is usually those times where the last thing on my mind is trusting. Trusting God can be the easiest thing to say or pray about and the hardest thing to truly believe in the heart. I know it is something I always struggle with. I fight with my future and I battle even more when things happen to me that bring me pain and not happiness. Maybe this is why we cling to joy. Who knows. I’m terrible at having the answers. I use to feel like I always had the answers. Maybe feeling like I have control or thinking I have the answers are just my false ways to feel better in a world that is so unpredictable. If I trick myself into thinking I can make it all happen then there is a mirage of hope I can cling to. And yet every time I do that I seem to put my hope into something that will ultimately fail me. That hope that fails me is the hope in myself or even the people around me. I wonder when I’ll learn. I often think that every time hardship comes and I grow that this is the time. This is the moment where I’ve finally learned to trust in God. Yet the next week only proves that my pride fools me into believing the lie again that I’m good enough and I can manage my life.

The beauty found in moments that are unpredictable is that you get to experience faith. Because when things are crazy in life you finally come to a place of letting go the reigns…you experience a feeling that is only found when trusting in yourself clashes with putting faith in a perfect God. I think in that trust, we find joy. And every frightening struggle in life that rocks our world is another opportunity to see this exciting part of being loved by God.

It seems so simple. Because I know the answer. To simply trust. To know God is Good and everything will be fine. Yet I seem to forget this simple truth every day of my life. Most of my life I have gotten frustrated with that. Mad because I’m such an idiot. But it seems to me today that the struggle I have shared is actually the privilege of the worship we experience on this world that we’ll not experience in the next.

SB

A paradox is when something contradicts itself. I think the great paradox of God is the fact that we have no clue what He IS doing or WILL do and at the same time God is unchanging. In the midst of being so unpredictable God is consistent. Always the same.

The world and all the struggles of life can piss me off. I mean really anger me. I often have days where the only way to say it nice is to simply say, “People bother me.” And at times I just want to yell. To stand on the top of a mountain and scream at the top of my lungs why are you doing what you are doing God? Why do so many die of Aids? How come people have to drink filthy water? Do you honestly have to let so much heart break happen?

Some people use expressions like “the arrows are attacking me” when referring to Satan turning up the heat. When the Evil one is just beating you down, it’s those times the arrows come. To me there are days it’s more like my head is being held under water. It’s those days that anger me. Because my frustrations come from trusting this world and having confidence in those things that are never the same.

When I’m alone with myself and my thoughts I realize how wicked I really am. If I’m honest with myself I’m a deceitful and disgusting person. And that’s when I am humbled. Because God is committed to that. He’s loving to that which is about as useful as a pile of elephant dung.

I struggle in my faith because I’ve allowed myself to believe that God’s Goodness is dependent on what He does. I wait for RESULTS to know God. I seek comfort and great things to happen to understand who God is. And there in lies the paradox. Because God is so unpredictable in what he DOES. He works in such impossible and mysterious ways. But here is the sweet part. He is the same. He is always the same. He NEVER changes. That is the paradigm shift that knocks me off my feet today. I am so weak and I’ve looked to what is happening to ME and in my little world and I’ve not looked to WHO God is.

Security. Comfort. Being safe. The known. A planned out life. Ah, those thoughts are so soothing. I drink those words and realize I’m drinking a cup of sand hoping it will quench my thirst. It’s simply not true. They are all lies that tell us our peace is found in having our lives “together”. So here’s what I’m just dipping my toes in. I can’t be secure in the actions of God. I can only find peace in God himself. In who He is. In trusting He won’t change and will always be faithful. I look to the last 3 years of my life and see something special. I notice that God has been the same. All my relationships with people have not. Hmmm.

God wants to be a paradox I think. Because He wants to do the Amazing. He desires to flip us on our head. You know, the walk on water parting seas kind of impossible. He wants to redeem those that are found unworthy because He wants to show that it IS possible through Him. He works in the extraordinary because it’s then we stop and mumble, “only God.” I guess the problem with that in my world is I don’t get credit. And I also have no control. But it’s only in trusting the Kindess of God that I find joy. That’s how I find joy in moments of life that scream for me to just give the world the Bird. It’s how I find peace in all of lifes shit.

Broken marriages. Drug addicts. Those addicted to porn. A tongue that can’t stop sharing the gossip that tears people down. A cold heart. Shopping to build up a debt that never satisfies. Looking to people to bring us happiness. It’s the impossibles. How does God use this? I’m learning to not trust the things God is doing because I see now that He is so upside down. But I sit quietly resting in the Goodness. Did you know God is the only one in my life that has never given up on me? I’ve come to Him and told Him horrible things. And shared with Him parts of my heart that I’m ashamed of. He doesn’t even flinch. Not even skips a beat. :deep breathe: I never have to explain or prove myself. That’s refreshing.

So I have no clue what just spilled out into words but hopefully someone can make some sense. I guess to make miracles happen you have to do something that has never been done before. It’s a miracle because it blows your mind. The fact God can use me is just that…a miracle. And the peace I find today comes not in how He pulls off the miracle but in the fact that I know He will. God is Kind…He is very very Kind. I have no clue what He’ll do next, but I know He’ll be Kind…He will always be Good

SB

The Christian life can be very confusing. I find it such because those that don’t follow Christ think one way about Christians and those that claim to be Believers feel there is a big misconception about what a Christian is about. Some people hate church. Those that are in church often don’t REALLY know why they are actually there. Conferences, books, sermons, and bible studies. It gets confusing. Some Christians don’t drink. Some love Dos XX with lime. Some don’t kiss until the honeymoon and some enjoy smoking Monte Cristo #2’s. There are those Christians that are on a mission to find a vaccine for gays and some who cheat on their wife. Some Christians live with the poor and many agonize where to give THEIR 10%. Do Christian’s pray for “purpose” or “blessings”? It just gets confusing.

What if it was more simple? What if only 2 things mattered? And what if these 2 things were tattooed, ugly or not, to the identiy of what a Christian is. Forgiveness and love. What if every Sunday and every gathering and every time you had a conversation there were only 2 questions?

Who are you forgiving that you probably shouldn’t?
Who are you loving that is hard to love?

Wouldn’t that be insane if the big middle finger was given to everything else we think is important…and we just looked to these 2 simple, yet complex things.

Wonder what that would be like?

SB

Have you noticed how sometimes your greatest strength is also your greatest weakness? For me it couldn’t be more true. When God created me He chose to give me something that is probably the one thing that sets me apart in both a good and bad way. Passion. You could describe me as an “Extreme Extremist”. Over the past several years I’ve realized that this has been my downfall because I began to enjoy the bad passion more than the good. It’s kind of like a garden hose that has been turned on full blast. The only problem is I am not holding the hose. So its dancing like a snake swerving left and right getting everything wet but the garden. Sure the water is a GOOD thing. But not when it soaks the house, the grill, windows, and even myself. I’ve realized that I must grab a hold of the hose and point it TOWARDS the flowers. I can’t just let my passions go and sit back. Why is focusing our passions so hard to do?

I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do - this I keep on doing.

Unless you are from another planet or a Baptist, you read these powerful words to those in Rome and track 100%. For as long as you can remember you’ve struggled. You battle with the choice of doing the right thing when the wrong thing is just so much more appetizing. I can recall time after time the moments in my life where I showed the perfect side of my life. All was right with the world and Mr. Blue Bird was on my shoulder. The truth of it all is that those bad passions are so irresistable and they often come from no where punching us like a quick right hook. When its time to bow our heads we feel as if we can walk on water, and then behind close doors we sink, having no faith at all. Anger consumes us. Grudges get the better of us. Gossip becomes the itch we have to scratch. Or is it scratch we have to itch? Lust clings to us like a shadow. And all the while we seem to find pleasure in it all.

Maybe it’s because of that feeling. At the peak of our bad passions we see all of the world. That moment brings upon us a sensation that takes away all the bad feelings we are dealing with. We are no longer fat or unwanted. Our fears melt away like ice cream on a hot day. Control. We feel important. Power. No one is more important. Happiness. We smile and forget about past abuse or relationships that went wrong. Alive. And things seem perfect and those things that hurt are no longer an issue . So we keep on…

We eat another dessert. We keep looking at porn. We continue to talk about others negatively. We drink till it feels better. We smoke all our feelings away. We eat. Matsturbate. Take another hit. Cry. Throw up. Manipulate. Laugh…at ourselves. We make our lives look perfect. Controlling all things in our lives, even the people we love. And as much as we hate the bad passions in our lives it is that feeling we seem to not be able to forget. It’s that temporary joy sin gives us that we crave.

In the past 18 months I’ve been blessed to hear the real stories of hurting people. A gay man searching for hope. A woman who danced for money, afraid of the baby that was on its way. A girl who committed adultry. A guy who just couldn’t shake the strangle hold of porn. A drug addict who watched a family walk away. A girl who cried herself to sleep every night because of her figure. A man who beat his 1 year old son. A guy dealing with sexual addiction, struggling to find a job. And many more stories of hurt and pain. What I’ve told every single person is the same thing I tell myself. Don’t wait to be healed. Don’t wait to get your life together. Don’t wait to find God in the midst of the storm. Because if you do, you miss something special. You miss the chance to see a God that very few get to see.

Simply put…Life’s a bitch. The sooner you realize that you can’t be healed is when you begin to heal. As long as there is good and evil there will be struggle. Such is life. The focus can never be to clean up and get perfect in order to find God. It’s when we choose to look for Him in the midst of the chaos. It’s then that we experience God pursue us not because of what we offer but because we are His.

So we share our stories. The truth. We sit down with a friend and hot coffee. And we share. We reveal those things that have rooted so deep we forgot it was there. We struggle. And we admit we are scared. Maybe for the first time we feel. And it’s in these moments of real life that we take a deep breathe and let out what seems to be hurt that’s ruled our lives. Ah yes! Good passion. A passion that seeks a joy that is not for a moment but that is lasting. And we enjoy the journey of not getting it right or even knowing what we are looking for. I pray you will experience that which I have enjoyed recently. And I hope you share it with those closest to you. To begin living life for maybe the very first time.

SB

We rationalize. We justify. We ignore. That’s how we deal with screw ups and anything we do that is not good. Anything that is not perfect. But until we face the ugly parts of our story we will never change. We will never grow. We will continue to stroll through life convincing ourselves that avoiding those uncomfortable things are what’s best for us. But in reality discovering the ugly is the only way to find beauty. The beauty that comes from truth.

What we do to others - it’s important to realize how we really impact people. As we stroll through life, we hurt and we help. It’s important to know how we do both. Have you ever asked your roommate or close friend what he or she doesn’t like about you? Tough question huh? But it’s in seeking that truth you uncover the ugly side. Your heart begins to really desire repentance and change for the way you hurt those you share life with. As you see the good you find joy and desire to continue those things that encourage.

What others have done to you - we know people hurt us. But we never really examine it. If we really processed how people have hurt us then we’d discover something so raw and real that it would change how we live. Because there is a simple fact of life - we hate pain. Eventually we come to a place (even if we don’t realize it) of avoiding the kitchen because the stove has burned us one too many times. The pain becomes so great we withold…we keep our true self hidden to avoid further hurt. This is where the cycle begins and being vulnerable scares the bejebbers out of us. Life is full of evil and pain. That will never change. But finding the courage to get back up is the difference between letting life happen to you and you living a passionate life.

Your attitude about God - if we are all honest with ourselves we don’t really trust God. I have at points been so mad at God that I was unsure of what I really believe in. That’s where things get exciting with my faith. It’s when I wasn’t afraid to feel. It’s when I wrestle inside with who God is and why it seems like He wants to screw with my life. In dealing with these real thoughts I try to desire Truth. I don’t want to be spoon feed American Christian propaganda but instead desire Truth. The kind that flips your world upside down. And thats when you encounter God in a special way. Because so far He’s showed me that He’s not afraid to get into the ring with me and deal with my doubts.

Below are some wise words and I hope that reading this will make you feel uncomfortable to the point of throwing up. To the point where you’ll desire change over being the same old self that avoids the ugly story within. I also hope that we never dwell in our ugly stories. Because the ugly is not what tells us who we are. Its the beauty that we find in the ugly that defines us. *By His stripes we are healed.*

“We must learn to tell the story of our lives - how we impact others, how we’ve been damaged by others, how we feel about God - in order to disrupt the sinful attitudes and paractices that still remain. Telling our stories requires us to face painful truths about ourselves. And once we’ve faced those truths, we will again feel the noble passions to love, to be, and to worship, passions planted in our hearts by God’s Spirit.” -L. Crabb

SB

Do you ever think about how you’re going to die?  How about where you will be buried?  Maybe some want to be cremated and be scattered into their favorite body of water.  So maybe death isn’t the best “water cooler” conversation but at some point every single person has to deal with it.  This past week I had a special opportunity to hear some stories being told of real things happening in our world today that truly made me stop, take a breathe, and think different.

This is the story of a 19 year old young man by the name of Sam.  Sam is a believer of Jesus Christ who works for Gospel for Asia in India. He had just finished 2 years of training at a training school and just like everyone who graduates from the school, Sam was asked the question:  “Where is the Lord leading you to go?”

Sam had been praying long and hard and when asked this question by his leaders his response was, “Boundi.”  (pronounced: BOON DEE).  The story goes on to share about what has happened in Boundi and all the terrible things that have had to those who have gone to this village in North India to share the Truth of Jesus Christ.  K.P. Yohannan, the founder of GFA, was once a young missionary to this village and was beaten and stoned nearly to death.  The 7 missionaries before Sam had all fled because of torture and persecution.  There was a man and his family who were in Boundi only several months before Sam decided to go and he was dragged out into the middle of the village and his head was chopped off with an axe and his wife and child was spared but banned from the village.  I’m not sure about you but 3 days ago I got a paper cut and its still bothering me today.  I would be looking at the situation and think:  stoned and beaten + axe to the head = Boundi is an evil place.  

“Sam are you sure Boundi?  Boundi?  This is where the Lord is telling you to go?”  The leaders were surprised because they knew the history and that even Brother K.P. had been stoned there.  I’m trying to soak in the reality of what it would be like to be stoned and I can’t even imagine.  Not a rock or pebbles but big stones that are thrown over and over and over again at your body with one purpose and one purpose only…to inflict as much pain to the point of death as possible.  

“Yes, the Lord has laid on my heart to go to Boundi.  That is where I am called to go,” was Sam’s response right before he made the journey to N. India.  When Sam arrive into the village he managed to find a hut and rent it for $5/month.  Only being there a couple days Sam is interrupted in his slumber by 5 angry men in the middle of the night.  One very large and upset man with a turban on his head grabs Sam by his ankle and lifts him up in the air and shakes Sam like a maraca saying, “We know why you are here and we want nothing to do with it.  Take your message and religion and leave this village.  You have until tomorrow morning to be gone.  If you are here when we return I WILL rip your body in half like a chicken.”  The man drops Sam on his head and they leave.

Sam’s desire to be ripped in half was probably right up there with sticking hot coals up your rear.  Not exciting and a painful experience.  So Sam ran.  He ran all the way back to the training center and upon arriving the leaders saw the fear on Sam’s face.   “Sam, what happened?  Why are you back?”

“These men came in the middle of the night and shook me upside down telling me if I didn’t leave they would rip me in half like a chicken!”

Knowing the danger but understanding the Call the leaders asked, “Sam, did God tell you to go to Boundi?”

“Yes, yes He did.”

“Then Sam, you must go back to Boundi.”

“Are you crazy?  That man told me he would kill me!”

“Yes Sam they probably will kill you.  But heaven is better than Boundi.  God has told you to go to Boundi and share the Gospel.  You must return.  When you return dig your own grave as you come into the village, and then share the Gospel of Christ with everyone you can.”

Sam went back to Boundi and dug his grave, went back into Bundi and then started passing out tracts and preaching on the street again.  Within a couple of hours the 5 guys came up to him again.  The huge guy with the turban on his head stepped up and said, "Why did you come back to Bundi. You are making
murderers out of us. We told you we would kill you. I told you I would
tear you in half like a chicken.  It’s your fault. Get ready to die."

Sam said, "Go ahead and kill me. The quicker you do it, the sooner I’ll be in heaven with Jesus. After you kill me you can throw my body in the grave I dug on the outside of the village.  But with every breath I have, I am going to tell you about the love of Jesus."   They beat Sam that day.  And beat him and beat him…but Sam didn’t die.

2 months later Brother K.P. gets a call back at the US Headquarters from the leader of the Training Center, “We want you to come to Boundi.”  Brother K.P. remembered Boundi.  He remembered the horrible things that happened there once long ago.  “Please come to Boundi, you must see with your own eyes.”

Upon arrive the sights and sounds were a far cry from the Boundi he remembered.  He stepped into the very first church ever planted in Boundi.  They walked into the church only to be amazed at the over 200 people that were there to worship the name of God.  Sam with excitement ran up to Brother K.P. and said, “Look, look over there.  That man with the turban on his head, that is the man that said he would rip me in half like a chicken.  And those 2 men over there, those were the men that were going to kill me as well.  And over there are their families.  Look and see what God has done!”

I think Sam got “it”.  He understands when Paul said, “To live is Christ, and to die is gain.”  So maybe no body is going to come in the middle of the night and tell me they’re going to rip me in half like a pot belly pig (I’m not so much skinny like a chicken).  But every day I figure out ways to live better in this world.  To get more comfortable and live life with more and more.  But I think if I search the message of the Gospel it is one that says DIE.  Die to yourself and die to those selfish desires.  Maybe today I’ll go “dig my own grave”.  And maybe today will be the first time I truly begin to “live”.

SB

The last 3 years of my life has been filled with many struggles and heartbreaks.  And my one prayer through it all has been a prayer to find Truth.  If Christ said that when we find truth it would set us free then well that’s what I wanted.  I wanted to know what that meant because my heart was far from set free.  So here are excerpts of thoughts I’ve had over the past 3 years.  It may not make sense but maybe if your past or present is filled with broken hearts or big screw ups then maybe this will help just a little.

The Truth is a story about Redemption.  Big word for a simple meaning.  I think it simply means we were taken care of.  Every story, person, or event in the bible is some how tied into this prevailing thought that God is passionately coming after us to make things right.  He is coming to be our Hero.  Sounds very Hollywood but you know what?I like that.  And I think that’s what it is.  This so called Bible is one big love story.  Of a Good God who wants to give His children the very best thing for usnot to make our lives nice, neat, and comfortablebut to satisfy our hearts.  God desires more than anything in the world to satisfy our aching heart.  And He knows the only thing that will satisfy it is Him

and way way way down in the deep parts of my heart I want it to be real.  Why?  Because my heart hurts.  My heart aches for a love like this.  I’ve tried to find this love.  I’ve searched in relationships and couldn’t find it.  Hoped power would bring fullness and that left me just as empty.  I grasped at this idea that ministry and doing God’s work MUST bring about this satisfactionand all my efforts to make this love happen in my life just seemed like a big waste of my time.  And in the midst of trying to figure out this whole story of Truth I realized one simple thing.  I’m not living in the story.  See, I’ve just shared this story for a long time and in doing so it just became another story.  One for the ages.  A story that happened a long time ago in a far off place where fairy tales happen.  And it became more about a King that once conquered death and not a Savior that lives today.  Hmmm, how could something so simple make such a difference?…

and isn’t that what we all want?  Christian or notisn’t that what we’re all seeking.  Work, money, fame, success, relationshipsthe list goes on.  We want to worship something and we want that worship to make our heart full.  To make our souls warm and secure and complete.  Isn’t that what everyone seeks?…  

and I hurt today more than anything because I haven’t shared this Story more.  Not about a Jesus who can save your lost lifeBut a Savior that has saved mine.  "By His Stripes I am Healed."  Is that truly the only story I have?  I can’t keep trying to think I know about your sins and what you’re going through.  I can’t own up to anyone elses wrongbut I do know mine. I don’t knowbut when my life becomes a story of being redeemed because I can’t get this life rightthen I wonder how different my life will look? When its quiet at night, and everyone has gone to bedwhen I can’t be fake it because there is no one aroundthat’s when I knowI’m messed up

…when Jesus speaks for the first time on why he has come he says this from Isaiah 61:
"The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because He anointed me to preach GOOD NEWS to the poor.  He has sent me to proclaim FREEDOM for the prisoners and recovery of SIGHT for the BLIND, to RELEASE the oppressed.."

In Isaiahit also says to bind up the brokenhearted, to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes the oil of gladness instead of mourning  Wow!  Amazing!  And you know what?  I’m that personI’m the brokenhearted and the one that’s in prison.  This whole time I’ve read the story and got excited about the fact that Jesus has come to save those that need Him

myselfishness and pride caused me to miss that person in need of a Savior was myself

because the scary thing is that I think I can live my life without ever being "set free" and it would be a good life.  It would have success, a good church, nice friends, and all the sweet Christian accessories to go along with this perfect lifebut then would that be all life is about?…

..I have lived too long a life talking about cheap grace, teaching about semi-joy, and worshipping a small God.  And in that time I have found glory, success, great feelings, and fame.  Broken I see that my life has only brought emptiness to where the deep parts of my heart is asking, "Is this it?"  And in some small or big way I think people every day ask, "Is this it?"  Once againI have no answers.  I have no formulas or ways to make this all come to a close and to make everything better

but I do have a story to share.  A story that is full of love, adventure, excitement, tears, heartbreak, and an ending that tops all in the box office

what that means to me is that my heart wants to say thank you.  Thank you to the Lover that has fought a war for me and rescued me.  I am rescued today and I want to tell you about it.  I want to share with everyone that I am set free

I am far from perfect but I am set free, my heart is set free

I want to meet someone who struggles with alcohol or drug problems.  I want to sit down and share life with a homosexual or one that has been hurt by divorce.  I want to hold hands with someone who feels shame from an abortion or is dealing with greed.  I can’t wait to find that person who has been having sex with people to find fulfillment in relationships.  I can’t waitbecause when that happens I just want to hug them.  And to hold them.  And tell them this:  "I don’t have any answers to make the problems in your life go away.  I can’t find a solution to make your world a better place.  But I can share with you something that will fill that hole in your heart.  I do want to tell you about my storya story of grace and love.  And I just want you to know today that I love you and more importantly God is crazy about you."

If I’m honest with myself I don’t want this feeling to go away.  And today is the first day I pray that I never forget my sin.  That I will never forget I am desperate for God  

that I would never ever forget what has made me experience God like I have.  If it takes a crushed life then I pray God you crush me.  If it takes humility then I pray God you humble me.  If you have to take everything away from my life again because my sins are so greatthen I pray God you take it all.  And leave me nothing but your Grace, leave me nothing but your love, leave me nothing but You.  And then and only then Godwill I truly be satisfied.

SB 

I had the opportunity tonight to talk to a blast from my past.  Ever get to talk with a friend that you haven’t talked to in at least 10 years?  I’m sure many of you have experienced something like it via Myspace.  Am I really getting to the point where I can say, “10 years ago I remember…”

It was great to catch up but it bothered me some to hear how things are going for him.  My old friend has gone through some tough things.  I’d rather not get into the details but there are some big struggles and life has beaten him down.  But what truly bothered me was not what he has done but how Christians have responded to him through this time in his life.  We all would like to say we would show grace and love to anyone but would we?  How would we act if we were in the same room as a homosexual?  What about a woman who has just had an abortion?  Or a guy who just can’t kick his coke habit.  Are we brave enough to be Christ to them?  To share the REAL Gospel.  You know, the one that is about a Savior who comes to SAVE and change lives and turn what we know upside down.

Thinking about this tonight has got me thinking of many things.  Why is it that when we really start looking into the lives we live as Christians it seems to be very far from the way Christ lived and what the Gospels are truly about.   He loved those who no body gave the time of day.  And he despised those that thought they had their lives together.  And it begins to disgust me that I fall into that horrible trap.  Worrying about finances, looking for a new home, how good the sermon was, who is coming to the party, finding the perfect car, taking another trip, thinking about having kids, showing another baby picture, making sure the family is happy, running another errand, and having the right outfit are some of many things that seem to consume our lives.  Isn’t it amazing how we can get so into the groove of life that one day we look up and our lives are consumed with so many things…but nothing eternal.

I’m sad tonight because when I look around I see good Christian’s lives but I do not see dangerous messengers of the Gospel of Christ.  I’m not talking about being a martyr.  I’m talking about the willingness to not be perfect.  Holding the hand of a stranger and crying with an old friend.  You know what’s funny?  As I finish writing this blog entry I in some ways feel like I’m “over the top” or “radical” with these thoughts.  And then I realize maybe those fears are the very things that have kept people from loving my old friend and crippled him from finding Freedom for his heart.

I hope this got you thinking more than give you answers.  And any thoughts you would like to add would be great.

SB

“It is impossible to risk your life to make others glad in God if you are an unforgiving person.  If you are wired to see other people’s faults and failures and offenses, and treat them roughly, you will not take risks for their joy…We will not gladly risk to make people glad in God if we hate them, or hold grudges against them, or are repelled by their faults and foibles.  We must become forgiving people.”

These profound words from Dr. John Piper have had me thinking for a while now.  I think about it on the days my flesh is weak or the times I remember how disgusting my past has been.  I also remember it on the days where my pride is so much that I subconsciously believe I am the center of the world.    No matter what it is that reminds me of this thought I can’t escape it being a cross road I come to almost every day.  

Why is forgiving someone so hard?  Why is it so tough to love those that are unlovable?  Why do we turn our noses and make fun of those that are different or wrong?  I don’t have answers to these very hard questions.  But what I am realizing is every moment and day that goes by where I do not have this truth on my heart to forgive, then its one more day that goes by that I am wasting my life.  Isn’t it funny how the amount of grace we give can be directly in proportion to how much grace we need at that time.  When life is “perfect” and nothing is going wrong then I seem to be haughty and prideful.  Yet those moments in life when I need a 2nd chance are the times where grace is more real than it ever could be.  And grace seems so easy to share.

I have had many conversations with people about why we can’t be real and authentic with our relationships.  Then that spills into the question on why we can’t be that way with our church community.  Maybe that answer lies in the reality that no body wants to share the real self because they risk not being forgiven.  Forgiveness does a very powerful thing.  It makes things right.  We forgive, we do not judge, and we lay our pride aside because in doing so we give God.  We give a small piece of something that we seldom see in this world today.  Joy.  Joy that comes in the form of restoration.  

Man there is a lot of sadness in this world.  And a lot of hatred.  And its sad to see so many that are not glad in God.  Maybe forgiveness is a small way to change that.

SB

First week of April my company was in Steamboat, CO for a mini conference we do every year for pastors to get away and enjoy the snow.  I had a meeting in Denver and needed to take Ugly Mug Coffee Co. to the airport.  On my 3 hour journey back I jammed my iTrip to the Fray and the Weepies. With about an hour and a half left on my journey through the snow I pass a guy wearing just a t-shirt with a card board sign that says “Steamboat”.  Remember the story of the Good Samaritan?  I was not him, I kept driving.  When all of a sudden the Spirit says to me, “Pick him up.”  Which I ignore and turn up the music hoping to drown out any more whispers.  I hear again, “Pick him up.”  I pull into a parking lot and began to rationalize with God that He can’t really expect me to pick this guy up because I’ve never done this before and this is one of those get out of your comfort zone things that I don’t really want to do today.  And as clear as can be God says, “Just share life with him.”  So I pull out of the parking lot and look down the road hoping my soon to be new friend has disappeared.  I get down the road and bust a u-turn and pull over.  Roll the window down and say do you need a ride?  That really was a dumb question but what else do you say?  

The next hour and a half was filled with conversations about all aspects of life.  The drug situation in Steamboat, CO, why Christians suck at being like Christ, and what Freedom of the Heart really means.  My new friend shared with a me a motto that the good hippie folks of Colorado live by.  “Just go outside, man.”  It means don’t let life beat you down.  If you start getting stressed out then go outside and soak up the beauty of creation.  Enjoy the mountains and the flowers.  Be amazed by the blue sky.  Seems like a phrase we should all live by.   

I learned a lot from my new friend.  He shared with me stories about backpacking through Costa Rica and living life not being so worried about having it all together.  I had the wonderful chance to share with him what Freedom of the Heart was. At least what I thought it was.  I talked about how we all want it.  Even if we don’t believe in Jesus Christ we all want to fill that void in our hearts.  We may not know what it is and that’s why we try and find it in a better job or better relationships.  But the truth is we’re all wanting to be freed.  That’s another topic for another time…

So here’s to less stress.  To feel the heat of the sun on your skin and to not let life just happen.  Here’s to just going outside and noticing how beautiful God made things.  Here’s to freeing our hearts and not letting the daily grind beat us down.

SB