I have waited a long time to bring this post out of the vault. The vault is where I keep “my lucky dimes” and with recently going over the 3000 views mark I feel OH&H is ready to read a post such as this. This is my one and only warning, what is to follow may disturb you and at the same time make you giggle. That combination of feelings may be too much for you to handle. So this is your disclaimer, beware. What I share from this point forward has been privileged information that has only been talked about in special closed circles. Today I share with all.
For over 10 years I have sporadically taken a survey on the habits of toilet paper procedure while taking care of business in the Loo. I believe the reason this topic of bathroom rituals is so intriguing is because we all know that everyone has to do it but until this point no one has openly talked about what happens behind closed doors. OH&H is about to tell all.
To talk about what brand of toilet paper people use is for another time and place so for the sake of discussion we are all using Charmin Ultra Soft Big Roll. Where things get interesting is not what people use to wipe with, but HOW they wipe. After years of late night discussions and intense interrogation I have concluded that there are 3 primary ways people swipe.
Bunch – also known as wading the toilet paper. This method is the fastest of the 3 methods and is used by those who want to have a quick “in and out” experience. It occurs by simply pulling an ample amount of squares off the roll and “bunching” them up with the tips of all 5 fingers. This has a loofah sponge effect and is only good for one swift swipe. Those who object to this school of thought often argue that this method is the riskiest because the fear of a finger poking through is much greater.
Fold – This method is the most well thought out and methodical of all 3 methods. It occurs when a desired number of squares are taken off the roll and are folded together. Usually corners are met and the process is repeated until the desired amount of surface area has been created. Those that use the Fold method are not in a hurry. They often enjoy their time in the little boys room as a time to think or read. A haven away from the distractions of the world if you will. Some experts say they are able to work with only 2 squares and still work their magic. Others are able to bring a large amount of squares together and make repeated swipes. One swipe, then a refold to cover up and recreate a clean surface area…then repeat.
Wrap – also known as the combo method for its precise combination of the Bunch and Fold methods. With Wrapping you can combine the quickness of bunching with the safety found in creating much needed surface area. This method occurs when toilet paper is pulled off the roll and wrapped around ones hand. Some quickly wrap as it is coming off the roll, and others wrap only after the desired amount of paper has been chosen. Once the wrap is complete there are 3 ways to swipe. (1) Some swipe with the paper wrapped around the hand and (2) others pull the paper off the hand and use the swipe method used above in the Folding method. (3) Rare but out there are those who first wrap, then pull off the hand, then bunch. Yes I know this is getting weird.
Now like most civilized homo sapiens you most likely have not had this conversation. How do I know this? Well, because right now those of you who Bunch are saying, “Fold? What the hell is folding?” And those that Fold are screaming, “Why in the world would you bunch?” And the Wrappers are in limbo confused about the insanity of it all. You see, I just opened your world. I just told you Pluto is not really a planet. I’ve opened Pandora’s Box and just told you Santa is not real. Be pissed if you want, but know I’m only sharing the truth. To answer everyone’s question: yes, different people wipe different ways. Some of you fall into the category of “I don’t even know what I am! I’ve been doing this for so long…and I don’t even know WHO I am.” As you get a box of Kleenex and soak up the tears I encourage you to discover yourself. It is freeing. Like throwing your towel in the corner of a hotel bathroom floor it gives a wonderfully care free feeling.
If I haven’t already blown you away then you may want to sit down for this next part. Girls bunch and boys fold. (silent sound of jaws dropping). A most peculiar thing happened as I asked people about the ever entertaining topic of Bunch, Fold, Wrap. The majority of girls bunch and the majority of boys fold. The world of wrappers are those confused individuals that couldn’t decide so it crossed both lines of gender. Do some girls fold? Of course. And do some boys bunch? Yes. The predictions on WHY this happens are sadly as long as the menu at the Cheesecake Factory. Some believe it has to do with time. Girls bunch because they hate the horror of potty time. That is why at this point there are only boys reading this post. Girls have to squat 100% of the time so they desire to hurry the process up. “I do this all the time, nothing special, I’m wanting this over as fast as possible.” Now boys on the other hand enjoy the experience. Boys will sit and actually finish an article before venturing to the swipe. Boys count squares. Yes, they actually will count them. And the most meticulous folders will even fold a set of squares only to set them aside to start folding a new set. A row of ammo is lined up as if the Charmin Ultra Soft was going into battle.
I have also heard the theory: the parent that potty trained you is the person you learned your fine tuned skills from. That’s why you have overlap. Boys bunching and girls folding. Life happens.
So there you have it. Bunch, Fold, Wrap. I give you this gift hoping you will use it wisely. I anticipate funny and long conversations to arise if you are so fortunate to gather a group of honest and willing adventurers that don’t mind a little bathroom humor. ☺
My name is SB, I am a Folder, and I use 5 squares.
