A paradox is when something contradicts itself. I think the great paradox of God is the fact that we have no clue what He IS doing or WILL do and at the same time God is unchanging. In the midst of being so unpredictable God is consistent. Always the same.

The world and all the struggles of life can piss me off. I mean really anger me. I often have days where the only way to say it nice is to simply say, “People bother me.” And at times I just want to yell. To stand on the top of a mountain and scream at the top of my lungs why are you doing what you are doing God? Why do so many die of Aids? How come people have to drink filthy water? Do you honestly have to let so much heart break happen?

Some people use expressions like “the arrows are attacking me” when referring to Satan turning up the heat. When the Evil one is just beating you down, it’s those times the arrows come. To me there are days it’s more like my head is being held under water. It’s those days that anger me. Because my frustrations come from trusting this world and having confidence in those things that are never the same.

When I’m alone with myself and my thoughts I realize how wicked I really am. If I’m honest with myself I’m a deceitful and disgusting person. And that’s when I am humbled. Because God is committed to that. He’s loving to that which is about as useful as a pile of elephant dung.

I struggle in my faith because I’ve allowed myself to believe that God’s Goodness is dependent on what He does. I wait for RESULTS to know God. I seek comfort and great things to happen to understand who God is. And there in lies the paradox. Because God is so unpredictable in what he DOES. He works in such impossible and mysterious ways. But here is the sweet part. He is the same. He is always the same. He NEVER changes. That is the paradigm shift that knocks me off my feet today. I am so weak and I’ve looked to what is happening to ME and in my little world and I’ve not looked to WHO God is.

Security. Comfort. Being safe. The known. A planned out life. Ah, those thoughts are so soothing. I drink those words and realize I’m drinking a cup of sand hoping it will quench my thirst. It’s simply not true. They are all lies that tell us our peace is found in having our lives “together”. So here’s what I’m just dipping my toes in. I can’t be secure in the actions of God. I can only find peace in God himself. In who He is. In trusting He won’t change and will always be faithful. I look to the last 3 years of my life and see something special. I notice that God has been the same. All my relationships with people have not. Hmmm.

God wants to be a paradox I think. Because He wants to do the Amazing. He desires to flip us on our head. You know, the walk on water parting seas kind of impossible. He wants to redeem those that are found unworthy because He wants to show that it IS possible through Him. He works in the extraordinary because it’s then we stop and mumble, “only God.” I guess the problem with that in my world is I don’t get credit. And I also have no control. But it’s only in trusting the Kindess of God that I find joy. That’s how I find joy in moments of life that scream for me to just give the world the Bird. It’s how I find peace in all of lifes shit.

Broken marriages. Drug addicts. Those addicted to porn. A tongue that can’t stop sharing the gossip that tears people down. A cold heart. Shopping to build up a debt that never satisfies. Looking to people to bring us happiness. It’s the impossibles. How does God use this? I’m learning to not trust the things God is doing because I see now that He is so upside down. But I sit quietly resting in the Goodness. Did you know God is the only one in my life that has never given up on me? I’ve come to Him and told Him horrible things. And shared with Him parts of my heart that I’m ashamed of. He doesn’t even flinch. Not even skips a beat. :deep breathe: I never have to explain or prove myself. That’s refreshing.

So I have no clue what just spilled out into words but hopefully someone can make some sense. I guess to make miracles happen you have to do something that has never been done before. It’s a miracle because it blows your mind. The fact God can use me is just that…a miracle. And the peace I find today comes not in how He pulls off the miracle but in the fact that I know He will. God is Kind…He is very very Kind. I have no clue what He’ll do next, but I know He’ll be Kind…He will always be Good :)

SB